Phyllis Diller was an American comedian, actress, and writer who gained recognition in the 1950s for her stand-up comedy performances. Known for her outrageous fashion sense and self-deprecating humor, Diller was a trailblazer for female comedians during a time when it was rare to see women on stage.
Throughout her career, Diller amassed a collection of memorable one-liners and witty quips that continue to be celebrated today. From poking fun at herself to commenting on society’s expectations of women, Diller’s quotes offer both laughs and insight into the challenges faced by female comedians in the entertainment industry.
About Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller was known for her unique and unconventional style of comedy. Born in Lima, Ohio in 1917, after spanned over five decades, during which she appeared in countless television shows and movies. She became a regular on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and made appearances on other popular talk shows such as The Ed Sullivan Show.
In addition to her comedic performances, Diller was also an accomplished author, writing several books including “The Joys of Aging & How to Avoid Them” which became a best-seller. Phyllis Diller was a true pioneer in the world of comedy. Throughout her career, she broke down barriers and shattered stereotypes with her unique brand of humor. While many people know her as a trailblazing comedian, there are several unknown facts about Phyllis Diller that truly showcase her incredible spirit.
One little-known fact about Phyllis Diller is that she was an accomplished musician. In fact, before embarking on her career in comedy, she studied piano at the Sherwood Music Conservatory in Chicago. She even performed with symphony orchestras throughout the United States and Europe. Despite this impressive musical background, however, it was ultimately her talent for making people laugh that would define her legacy. Another lesser-known fact about Phyllis Diller is that she was a champion for women’s rights.
Top Phyllis Diller Quotes
Phyllis Diller was famous not only for her hilarious stand-up routines but also for her quick one-liners and memorable quotes. From poking fun at herself to offering witty insights on life, love, and everything in between, Diller’s words continue to inspire laughter and wisdom decades after they were first spoken.
“You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
“If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.”
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
“If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’”
“The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”
“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”
“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
“You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
A smile is a powerful tool that can change the course of someone’s day. It has the ability to set everything straight, even when life feels like it’s going in a downward spiral. When we smile, we release endorphins that help to reduce stress and anxiety levels, promoting a sense of calmness and happiness. Furthermore, smiling is contagious. Studies have shown that when someone sees another person smile, they are more likely to smile themselves.
This creates a ripple effect where positivity spreads throughout the room or community. A simple act of kindness like smiling at someone can make their day and encourage them to do the same for others. In addition to its psychological benefits, smiling also has physical advantages. It engages numerous facial muscles which can strengthen them over time and contribute to overall facial toning. Smiling regularly also improves blood flow which contributes to healthier-looking skin and reduces wrinkles over time.
“I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’”
“I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.”
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
“Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
“I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”
“I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
“Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”
“You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.”
“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
“I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
“A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.”
“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
It is not uncommon for children to threaten to run away from home at some point in their lives. While this may seem like a drastic measure, it is often a way for them to express their frustration or anger toward their parents. As much as parents may dread the idea of their child leaving home, it can serve as a wake-up call to address any underlying issues that may be causing tension within the family.
For some parents, the fear of their child running away is the only thing that keeps them going. It serves as a reminder that they need to work harder at creating a safe and nurturing environment for their children. This can involve setting clear boundaries and expectations, spending quality time together, and actively listening to their child’s needs and concerns. Ultimately, both parents and children need to work towards building healthy relationships with each other.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
“In most states, you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.”
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
“When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.”
“I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.”
“I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesn’t show the dirt.”
“To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.”
“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’”
“Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.”
“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”
“A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”
“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.” Quotes
“I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.”
“You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!”
“Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”
“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
“It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.”
“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.”
“I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.”
“Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”
In a world where material possessions often take precedence over everything else, we must never forget that health is the most important thing we can have. No amount of gold or jewelry can compare to feeling physically and mentally well. Yet, many people neglect their health in pursuit of wealth or other goals. Good health encompasses more than just physical fitness, it includes mental and emotional well-being as well.
A healthy mind and body are interconnected and both require attention to maintain optimal functioning. Neglecting one’s health can lead to serious consequences like chronic illnesses, mental health disorders, or even premature death. Therefore, it is crucial to prioritize self-care and make conscious efforts toward living a healthier lifestyle. Making small changes such as exercising regularly, eating nutritious foods, getting sufficient sleep, and reducing stress levels can go a long way in improving overall health.
“My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”
“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.”
“The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”
“If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.”
“We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”
“You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”
20 August 2012
Let’s Wind Up…
We can see that Phyllis Diller was a pioneer in the world of comedy. Her wit and humor were unparalleled, and her legacy continues to inspire comedians today. Her quotes are a testament to her talent and serve as a reminder that laughter truly is the best medicine. Whether you’re feeling down or just need a good laugh, Phyllis Diller’s words have the power to lift your spirits and brighten your day. So take some time to read through her quotes and let them bring a smile to your face – after all, as Phyllis herself once said, “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.