Mitch Hedberg was a comedian like no other. With his laid-back delivery and signature deadpan style, he captivated audiences with his unique brand of humor. Known for his one-liners and absurd observations, Hedberg had an uncanny ability to find hilarity in the ordinary moments of life. From mundane tasks like buying donuts to philosophical musings on escalators, his comedic genius knew no bounds. In this article, we delve into some of Mitch Hedberg’s most memorable quotes that continue to leave us laughing long after his untimely passing.
About Mitch Hedberg
Mitch Hedberg, the legendary comedian, was born in St. Paul, Minnesota. Growing up, he had a natural knack for making people laugh, often using clever wordplay and absurd observations to elicit chuckles from his friends and family. It was clear from an early age that Mitch had a unique comedic talent that would eventually captivate audiences around the world.
However, behind his effortless humor lay a deep sense of vulnerability. Despite his success on stage, every performance seemed to be accompanied by a battle with his inner demons. Hedberg struggled with substance abuse for much of his life—a fact that added a poignant layer to his comedy. His jokes about drugs and addiction were not just for laughs; they were also glimpses into the struggles he faced on a daily basis.
Yet, despite these personal challenges, Hedberg managed to maintain an air of innocence and childlike wonder throughout his career. He possessed an uncanny ability to find humor in everyday situations that most people overlook or take for granted. Whether it was the quirks of fast food restaurants or the absurdity of escalators, Hedberg’s observational comedy shed light on the inherent absurdities of life itself.
Top Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Hedberg’s comedic legacy lives on through the countless quotes that continue to make us laugh today. From absurd observations about everyday life to clever wordplay, his humor was both relatable and absurdly hilarious. In this article, we dive into some of Mitch Hedberg’s top quotes that showcase his brilliance as a comedian and remind us why he remains an icon in the world of comedy.
“I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
“They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.”
“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.”
“Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
“Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!”
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
“I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’”
“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
“Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!”
“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”
“A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.”
“When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”
“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
“I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.”
It is strange how some individuals can put such strong faith in the existence of supernatural beings like ghosts, yet completely disregard their own potential and abilities. These people may spend hours discussing haunted houses, sharing ghost stories, and eagerly participating in paranormal investigations, but when it comes to believing in themselves and their capabilities, they seem completely skeptical.
Perhaps these believers see something extraordinary in the idea of ghosts that they fail to recognize within themselves. They may liken the mysterious ways of spirits to unseen forces guiding their life or influencing events around them. By embracing the notion of ghosts, they find comfort in attributing external powers for both auspicious happenings and unfortunate occurrences. However, what if these same individuals were to redirect this fascination toward uncovering their own hidden potential?
Ironically enough, those who believe fervently in spirits are often accompanied by self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Just as ghosts are portrayed lurking on the periphery of perception or hiding behind closed doors, so too do these individuals hide away their talents and shy away from pursuing their dreams. Perhaps it is easier for them to attribute success or failure to mysterious supernatural forces rather than take accountability for their choices and actions.
In order for them to truly become empowered individuals capable of achieving great things, they need to shift this belief system from beyond the paranormal realm towards self-belief. By acknowledging one’s own potential as a driving force behind personal growth and success, there is no longer a need to rely on external explanations or forces beyond our control.
“If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.”
“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.”
“I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.”
“If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!”
“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”
“I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!”
“If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say,
“Hey – maybe a killer is after you!”
“If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”
“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
“I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”
“I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”
“I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.”
“I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”
“I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”
“The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”
“Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”
“I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”
“If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”
“I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”
“I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”
“I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”
“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”
“I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”
“I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
“Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”
“I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”
“I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
“I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”
“Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”
“Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”
Snake eyes is a versatile term that holds significance in both the gambling world and the animal kingdom. In the world of gambling, snake eyes refer to rolling two ones on a pair of dice. This outcome is considered extremely unlucky, as it often leads to losing bets. The term itself evokes a sense of danger and risk, highlighting the unpredictable nature of gambling.
Interestingly, snake eyes also have an animal connotation that adds another layer of fascination. It is commonly used to describe certain species of snakes with vertically elliptical pupils, resembling the number one on dice. These types of snakes are usually venomous and have an intimidating presence. This parallel between the hazardous implications of snake eyes in both gambling and nature can be seen as a reminder that not everything labeled lucky or unlucky should be taken at face value; sometimes dangers may lurk beneath seemingly harmless surfaces.
Overall, snake eyes serve as a captivating metaphor connecting two seemingly unrelated realms: gambling and animals. Its rich symbolism captures the essence of unpredictability and highlights how diverse contexts can intertwine in unexpected ways.
“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”
“No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”
“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”
“A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”
“The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”
“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”
“I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
“If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”
“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
“I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
“I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”
“I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.”
“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
“I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”
“Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”
Alcoholism is a unique disease in that it often comes with societal judgment and blame. Unlike other diseases, such as cancer or diabetes, those suffering from alcoholism are often met with anger and frustration instead of empathy. We rarely see someone yelling at a cancer patient for their illness, yet it is commonplace to witness people berating alcoholics for their addiction.
One reason why alcoholism is treated differently may stem from the perception that it is a self-inflicted disease. While it’s true that individuals make choices regarding how much they drink, few would argue that they actively choose to become an alcoholic. Blaming someone for having a disease only perpetuates the stigma surrounding addiction and creates barriers to seeking help.
Another aspect contributing to this double standard is the socially accepted nature of drinking in our culture. Alcohol is readily available and promoted as a means to relax, have fun, or celebrate. Yet when these activities spiral into dependency and addiction, society shifts its perspective and feels justified in voicing its anger towards those struggling with this disease.
“If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”
“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
“My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”
“People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”
“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”
“I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.”
“Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.”
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.”
“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”
“I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!”
“I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.”
“If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”
“A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.”
“I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”
“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!”
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”
“You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”
“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”
“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”
“I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.”
“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”
“It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky…”
“If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.”
“Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”
“I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”
“If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.”
“I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”
“I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”
“My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”
“I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”
“2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.”
Let’s Wind Up…
Mitch Hedberg was undoubtedly one of the funniest and most unique comedians of his time. His quick-witted one-liners and dry delivery continue to resonate with audiences today, making him a timeless comedic genius. Whether he was talking about everyday observations or absurd scenarios, his ability to find humor in the mundane was truly remarkable. Mitch Hedberg’s legacy lives on through his iconic quotes, which have been shared and cherished by fans all over the world. So next time you need a good laugh, take a moment to appreciate the brilliance of Mitch Hedberg and remember some of his hilarious quotes that will surely bring a smile to your face.