Home » 65 Funniest And Wittiest Marriage Quotes To Brighten Your Day

65 Funniest And Wittiest Marriage Quotes To Brighten Your Day

Marriage, they say, is a lifelong commitment filled with love, understanding, and compromise. But let’s be honest – it can also be quite hilarious! Throughout the ages, countless individuals have shared their humorous insights and anecdotes about the joys and challenges of married life. These funny quotes about marriage serve as a reminder that even in the midst of all its ups and downs, laughter can truly be the best medicine for any relationship.

Whether you’re a newlywed or celebrating decades together, these witty one-liners are sure to bring a smile to your face as you navigate the beautiful chaos of matrimony. Join us on this delightful journey through marriage’s comical side as we explore some of the most amusing quotes ever uttered about wedded bliss.

About Marriage

Marriage is a sacred bond that unites two individuals, celebrating their love and commitment to each other. It is an age-old tradition that transcends time, culture, and religion. The institution of marriage serves as the foundation for family and society, nurturing stability and harmony in our lives. From extravagant weddings to simple courthouse ceremonies, the act of exchanging vows signifies a lifelong promise to love, honor, and cherish one another. 

While marriage can be seen as a romantic endeavor, it is also a partnership built on trust, respect, and compromise. Couples embark on this journey with the hope of creating a life together filled with shared dreams and aspirations. Through the highs and lows of life’s challenges, marriage provides solace in the form of unwavering support from your partner – someone who stands by your side through thick and thin.

Top Marriage is Funny Quotes

In this article, we have compiled a list of top marriage quotes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing. These witty one-liners and humorous anecdotes capture the essence of married life in all its glory – from the everyday challenges to the extraordinary adventures, couples embark upon together.

“Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.”
— Barack Obama
Marriage is funny quotes
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.”
— Chris Rock
Marriage is funny quotes

Marriage is often depicted as a blissful union, filled with love, companionship, and unwavering support. However, those who have experienced the intricacies of married life know that it is not always a bed of roses. Only married people can truly comprehend the paradoxical emotions of feeling both miserable and happy simultaneously. On one hand, being married means sharing your life with someone you love deeply. You have a partner to lean on during tough times and share moments of joy and success. 

The comfort of having a constant companion by your side can bring immense happiness and fulfillment. However, this same intimacy can also give rise to frustration, as conflicts inevitably arise in any relationship. Married couples may find themselves arguing over trivial matters or facing larger challenges that test their bond. These moments of misery are an inherent part of marriage but do not overshadow the overall happiness experienced within it.

“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.”
— Henry Youngman
Marriage is funny quotes
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called 50 Shades of Just O.K.”
— Conan O’Brien
Marriage is funny quotes
“Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.”
— Goldie Hawn
Marriage is funny quotes
“Marriage is like a graph — it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!”
— Dame Julie Andrews
“A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.”
— Frank Sinatra
“Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.”
— Megan Mullally
“People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.”
— Tom Hanks
“Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.”
— Chris Hemsworth
“I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
— Cameron Esposito
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
— Rita Rudner
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!”
— Bill Maher
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.”
— Chip Gaines
“Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.”
— Carrie Underwood
Marriage is funny quotes
“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.”
— John Wilmot
Marriage is funny quotes
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”
— Wendy Liebman
Marriage is funny quotes
“When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.”
— Helen Rowland
Marriage is funny quotes
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.”
— Helen Rowland
Marriage is funny quotes
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
“All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”
— Amy Schumer
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
— Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.”
— Evelyn Hendrickson
”A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”
— Michel de Montaigne
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
— Ogden Nash
“A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.”
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.”
— Rita Rudner
“The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
— Ogden Nash
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”
— Albert Einstein

When it comes to relationships, a popular notion seems to persist: women often enter into marriage with the hope that their husbands will change. Whether it is those pesky habits or certain character traits, there is an innate belief that love can transform and mold their partners into something better. On the other hand, men tend to marry women hoping they will remain exactly as they are. This contrasting perspective stems from a fear of losing the qualities that initially attracted them and a desire for stability and predictability in their lives. 

The inclination for women to see marriage as an opportunity for transformation could be attributed to societal expectations placed upon them. Throughout history, women have been conditioned to be caregivers and nurturers, constantly self-sacrificing for the sake of others. Consequently, when entering into marriage, they may subconsciously believe it is their duty to shape their husbands into more desirable versions of themselves.

“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”
— Richard Pryor
Marriage is funny quotes
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
— Dr. Joyce Brothers
Marriage is funny quotes
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”
— Rory Elder
Marriage is funny quotes
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.”
— Raymond Hull
Marriage is funny quotes
“Music played at weddings always reminds me of the music played for soldiers before they go into battle.”
— Heinrich Heine
Marriage is funny quotes
“My prince is not coming on a white horse … He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.”
— Anonymous
“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
— Socrates
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”
— George Carlin
“Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”
— Mickey Rooney
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”
— Anonymous
“Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.”
— G. K. Chesterton
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
— Will Ferrell
“Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.”
— Elbert Hubbard
“More marriages might survive if the partners realised that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”
— Doug Larson
“Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend, every single night of the week.”
— Christie Cook
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”
— Michelle Obama
Marriage is funny quotes
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”
— Stephanie Ortiz
Marriage is funny quotes
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.”
— H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Marriage is funny quotes

Creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning. Just as a farmer tends to their crops, a couple must tend to their relationship with love, care, and dedication. It’s not enough to simply plant the seeds of love and expect them to grow on their own; constant nurturing is required for a flourishing marriage. Each day presents an opportunity for couples to cultivate their relationship anew, embracing the challenges and joys that come with it.

Similar to planting seeds in fertile soil, couples must lay the foundation of trust in their marriage. Trust serves as the bedrock upon which all other aspects of the relationship can thrive. With each sunrise comes a chance for partners to reaffirm their commitment and faith in one another, watering this foundation regularly through open communication and genuine appreciation. Just as farmers face adversity from pests or unpredictable weather conditions, marriages also encounter obstacles along the way.

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
— Prince Philip
Marriage is funny quotes
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.”
— Dax Shepard
Marriage is funny quotes
“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad, and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.”
― Mindy Kaling
“You go, ‘You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.’”
— Nikki Glaser recalling Amy Schumer’s wedding vows
“We just like each other. You start there. … I still can’t believe my wife goes out with me. If we were in high school and I was just funny, I’d never have the courage to talk to her.”
— Tom Hanks
“Our marriage was the most difficult, gruelling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know, we’re just not quitters.”
— Will Smith
“I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.”
— Ryan Reynolds
“Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good!”
— Michelle Obama
“We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.”
— Justin Timberlake
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”
— Kristen Bell
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”
— George Bernard Shaw
“Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.”
— Barack Obama
Marriage is funny quotes
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
— Anne Bancroft
Marriage is funny quotes
“My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.”
— Andy Richter
Marriage is funny quotes
“My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.”
— Mark Agee
Marriage is funny quotes
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
— Chris Rock
Marriage is funny quotes


What is a good quote for marriage?

“Marriage is the most natural state of man, and the state in which you will find solid happiness.” – Benjamin Frank.

What is a funny pre wedding quote?

“If a man steals your better half before marriage, the best revenge you can take is to let him keep her.”

What are the 3 words in marriage quotes?

“Please, thanks and sorry.”

Let’s Wind Up…

Marriage is full of ups and downs, but it is also a source of endless humor. Funny quotes about marriage capture the universal experiences and frustrations that couples face in a lighthearted way. These quotes remind us to not take ourselves too seriously and to find laughter in the everyday challenges of married life. So whether you are a newlywed or have been married for decades, remember to embrace the humor that comes with being united in matrimony. Share these funny quotes with your partner or loved ones and let them serve as a reminder to always keep laughter alive in your relationship.